TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have An additional spot where by American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: give Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is smooth ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, Trump Tower Damascus mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after getting the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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